we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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