Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
