I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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