Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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