Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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