I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i came on her dog
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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