stop calling my apartment porn island.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
