Porn is love you can see.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
