Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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