I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
