I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
