Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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