I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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