He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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