i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
