i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize