When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
