yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
