I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize