At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
