He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
