So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If I die, sorry about rent.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
