god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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