I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
