it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
