so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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