I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
