he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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