Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
