She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
