My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
