Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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