so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
