Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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