Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
