***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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