Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
