so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize