I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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