I cannot find my penis.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
