i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
