we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just found puke in my bra..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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