i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
