I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
