I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My feet surprised me
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