it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
