Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
