Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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