is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
