my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
