when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
