Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize