i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
