Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Two words: nipple clamps
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