Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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